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Old 10-21-2002, 04:07 AM   #1
Greell the druid
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Default what do ya think?


i come here alot and post my writings, just wondering what you're thoughts on this one is? as usual open to constructive critisism.

Hail to the silence of the night
the blinding darkness consuming all in its wake
sorrowful gray clouds fill the night sky
shutting the world out of all its visible beauty
hiding the hope that lay in stars light
bitter tears fall to earth lost within the darkness
the deep and sour scent of loss fills the air
which fills the lungs of all that truly live
stirring thoughts in feeble minds of broken dreams
that shatter like a mirror in shallow time
as shards of all those once treasured ambitions
cut and scar the men that had set hopes so high
leaving marks of remembrance in tired eyes
that have seen the world come to such power
and watched it as it had destroyed itself
in rage and spite over selfish quarries that had been endured
leaving the weak to wither
the dead to be left forgotten and lost
and the few whose hopes had gleamed brightly in their eyes
was suddenly and violently extinguished and left to smolder
all blank eyes stood staring skyward
waiting for the clouds to disperse
and for the weeping sky to clear
so the broken dreams can go forgotten
to forge new hopes to be shattered once more
with the coming of the next great storm

~Greell~
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Old 10-21-2002, 04:30 AM   #2
XentHalfbent
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I like it
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Old 10-21-2002, 09:59 AM   #3
Greell the druid
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Default heh


thanks i always try to get a few people to give their insight of my work, but people only read it and don't post

~Greell~
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Old 10-21-2002, 10:06 AM   #4
Ulujain Ebonelphette
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Default Re: heh


I took it as an ode to futility. I like it as well.
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Old 10-21-2002, 10:38 AM   #5
Maltzeform
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Default Re: heh


I liked it. Very visual descriptions of emotional states help to further the sense of unrest.

As for constructive critisism (disclaimer this is just my opinion and is definately not meant to be negative):

Line 3 the second use of night kinda throws off the rhythm for me. a bit redundant. (unless the first line is the title and not part of the actual verse than nevermind)

Line 5 I read this a cpl of times and i always want to see stars where you put starts. It seems to fit at that point but would throw off the rest of the lines. I know "first light" is kind of an over used little phrase, but i had to insert it in my head to get the jist right. If this is meant for song then start is actually real good, since it will force the singer to announciate and make the audience listen closer, but if meant as verse it kind throws the fluidity for me.

Shatter shallow shards are good alliteration and their spacing helps enhance the rhythm and overall felling.

And the few...was suddenly...
i think were instead of was. Minor grammar thing no biggie.

Overall very good. If it was meant for song then my criticisms may not be pertinent because song doesn't need to follow the rules of poetry, but i read it as verse. Again very good keep up the writing, trust me it will only make you better. I wish I still wrote as much.

Ritt



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Old 10-21-2002, 11:11 AM   #6
Greell the druid
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Default Re: heh


thanks Ritt, it is sorta like lyrics---i right alot of lyrics so i can't help but to right like that ...i probably should take out the word "night" in the 3rd line because it's a bit repetitive. and you are also right again=---typo on my part..it is Stars...not StarTs.



~Greell~
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Old 10-21-2002, 11:22 AM   #7
Baidieneriy Chizad
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Default Re: heh


Greell is ghey,
But Baid loves him anyway,
One time we were in Gfay,
Some orcs for in the way,
I guess it goes without say,
Many orcs died that day,
Did I mention Greell is ghey?


Now THOSE are good!
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Old 10-21-2002, 11:46 AM   #8
Sashia Soulslayer
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Default Re: heh


Baid writes the best stuff!
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Old 10-21-2002, 04:48 PM   #9
Nekiah Dragonsbane
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Default I'm the biggest @#%$ when it comes to constructive ..


criticism.

As it says in the title, I'm a big @#%$, and I'm blunt, so don't take this as bad, in the slighest. It wasn't bad at all. =)

Your word usage is too dramatic for the tone and pace of the piece. Relax it a little bit, and try to find words that fit exactly what you mean, and don't automatically convey direct emotion.

'Power' words, which are an extreme of one situation (i.e. destroy, shatter, etc.) can be very aiding to the piece, but without care, can actually be detrimental. If you use too many too quickly, it sounds like you just want to sound like your good, and that makes you sound like your bad. And while parallelism is good in writing, it isn't in this case. =D

All in all, you show some promise, so relax and don't try so hard, and I think you'll be amazed at what flows naturally.

Nekiah Dragonsbane

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Old 10-21-2002, 06:54 PM   #10
Revellion reborn
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Default Re: I'm the biggest @#%$ when it comes to constructive ..


It sucked.








=P

Revel

pretty good I actually read it a couple times while at work.
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