Erollisi Marr - The Nameless

Go Back   Erollisi Marr - The Nameless > NON EQ Stuff (Real life, other games, etc.) > Steam Vent


Reply
 
Add/Share Add/Share Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 02-14-2005, 12:49 PM   #1
Lurikeen
Freaky
 
Lurikeen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 17,873
Default 2004 Quagmire Bowl

Of the two quagmires, Iraq's probably the nastier one. Size is part of it. Chechnya's a little chunk of worthless scrub and mountain cliffs with no friends except the Ingush, whereas Iraq is a big country full of oil, with close ties to 500 million Arabs, not to mention 1 billion Muslims.

The scariest thing about Iraq is that we can't just leave, the way we did in Nam. Vietnam just doesn't matter that much -- it's off the trade routes, doesn't have any oil. Iraq matters. Always did -- the Assyrians and Babylonians and Hittites were fighting for it before Europe was even a rumor. Leaving Iraq now would be like trying to run from a nuclear explosion, the way Schwartzenegger does in that stupid ending to Predator.

If we leave, the Iranians and Iraqi Shiites take over. We end up with a Greater Khomeini-land stretching from Pakistan to Syria. Nuclear-armed, battle-ready. And convinced that Allah's number one priority is punishing the Great Satan, us.

There are so many little ironies here, it's not even funny. Like Israel. The Israelis were all for us invading Iraq; they thought they'd be more secure.

I wonder if they still think so. If we can't handle Iraq -- and that's pretty clear by now -- how the Hell are we going to deal with Iran?

We need to come up with some kind of counterweight that will keep the Shiites off balance. One simple way is creating an independent Kurdistan. That would keep the Iranians busy for the next hundred years or so, because Kurdistan would cover a lot of Western Iran as well as Northern Iraq. No way Iran would let the Kurds get away with taking that territory, and it would be our turn to sit back and enjoy the game while the Kurds and the Iranians bashed each other. The trouble is, Kurdistan also covers most of Eastern Turkey, and the Turks will go totally insane if we destabilize their borders. If there's anybody I really do feel sorry for in this mess, it's the Turks. They deserve better. They've been our only real ally, and we reward them by turning their neighborhood into Compton.

The Brits would do it, and not think twice about betraying their allies. They always were smarter and colder than us. But Bush? No way he'll do something as smart and realistic as back the Kurds. The best bet is that it's going to be more of the same for the next four years, a weird soundtrack of car bombs and press conferences. "Kaboom!" "Democracy!" "WhooOOOOM!" "Freedom!" MTV-style videos of some poor sucker getting his throat sawn in half while that skinny PR general in Baghdad talks about elections.

It's attrition that will decide it. We're betting they run out of suicide bombers before we run out of tame Iraqis. It's hard to say; with the way our Iraqi "allies" are getting slaughtered, the supply has to be running out, but then you have to wonder just how many willing suicide bombers they have left. I mean, I can see becoming a suicide bomber. Hell yes; if I'd grown up in Iraq I'd probably volunteer. There can't be a sweeter feeling than putting the pedal to the metal in a V8 stuffed with fertilizer bomb, heading downtown to blast your country's enemies.

But I'd feel just a little doubt. Like, am I really going to get 64 virgins in Heaven, when I can't even get the fat girls with acne to look at me down here? What if the virgins up there hate me just as much as the girls in my class did? Maybe I better park this thing somewhere quiet, let somebody else deal with it...leave the motor running and go get a falafel.

See though, the lesson of Chechnya and Iraq both is that people are a lot crazier and more comfortable with violence than we thought. So I'm betting that they'll never run out of bombers and Jihadis, and we'll never run out of GIs from rust-belt ghost towns. I think the party will just keep going, and going, and going -- killing and killing and killing, like the Energizer bunny on PCP.

Maybe in four years America will get tired of Iraq, in time for a new president to pull out discreetly, like a date rapist saying goodbye. By that time, we'll be in some very deep shit with the whole Islamic world. You might want to cancel that cruise down the Nile you had planned. And Europe by now is so full of Hajjis that even Paris is going to be a dangerous place for Americans. They're getting uppity over there -- a bunch of Moroccans just killed this Dutch director for badmouthing Allah. They left a note pinned to his chest with a dagger. They're not shy these days. Baja is about as far as it'll be safe for us to go.

When we do leave, get set for something big and nasty and religious, like your least-favorite relative. Right now we're being like assistant coach for the Jihad, killing off all the Islamic guerrillas who are too dumb or too brave (too brave is a very bad thing for a guerrilla). The guerrillas we killed in Falluja were too brave. The smart ones left. So we're weeding out the insurgents, making sure their best and brightest survive.

Four years from now these super-Jihadis will have risen to the top, and when we leave they're going to grab power and start sliding toward the Mediterranean like a giant slug.

By that time, this war will have cost us so many trillions, and I do mean trillions, that we're going to have trouble maintaining the infrastructure in Ohio, never mind Iraq. Whoever takes office in 2008 won't have the option of putting more money down the Iraq toilet. We'll be lucky to afford camera crews to video the Jihad, let alone stopping it. At least it'll make good TV.

I'm not saying Iraq will bring America down. That's too dramatic. Like I said, countries and tribes just don't disappear any more. We'll be in a big, long lull, a coma. Whether we come out of it or not will be luck. If things heat up somewhere else -- and I'm still praying to Shiva and Allah for a big Indo-Pak nuke war -- then maybe the US can float through and come out fine. If somebody jumps us quick, like you Russians should've done in 1975 if you wanted to take Western Europe ever, then we're in big trouble.

Meanwhile, back in Chechnya, you Russians are in for the same weather prediction: partly bloody, with no change. You're going to be fighting the Chechens forever. You know that. Even if you leave. You've driven them so crazy by now they'll never let up, even if you get out. They already proved that after Yeltsin pulled out; they just followed you back into Russia, hacking and burning and kidnapping.

You're in luck, though, because it's not going to be as big or as expensive as our little Iraq adventure. With less than a half million people to draw from, they've got a limited supply of martyrs. And even though Russia has this birthrate lower than the Salton Sea, you're big enough to absorb all the apartment-building and subway bombs they can throw at you. You soaked up the Wehrmacht, after all; you can soak up a little terrorism. There'll be a good living for the mercenaries you send to Chechnya, and a promising career in martydom for young Chechens -- and for the rest of you it won't matter, unless your particular apartment building or subway car gets gexogon-bombed.

And at least you're not trying to pretend you like the Chechens, or you're only doing it for their own good. That means you'll only be spending money on killing them, not killing them and then trying to turn them into Americans, dumping hundreds of billions on them to buy them off, like we are in Iraq. You won't go bankrupt from Chechnya as soon as we will from Iraq.

So ha ha, you poor Russians, we win the Quagmire Bowl. Our Iraqi quag turns out to be bigger and suckier than your pitiful little Chechen mudhole.

But like I said, winning's a tricky thing. This is one competition you're better off losing.

http://www.exile.ru/2004-November-26/war_nerd.html
Read the full article for not only a very good read, but for a good laugh, too.
__________________
"All I said was... that bit of halibut is good enough for Jehovah." óMonty Python's "Life of Brian"
Lurikeen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2005, 12:52 PM   #2
chukzombi
The Undead Shaman
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: The Bowels of Hell, A.K.A. New Jersey
Posts: 9,564
Not even an american Op-ed
__________________
Chukzombi Astrocreep
Magister (re-united)
chukzombi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2005, 01:02 PM   #3
Lurikeen
Freaky
 
Lurikeen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 17,873
Chik, it wouldn't matter to you if it were. If a well written article questions your sacred cows you just dismiss the piece with no thought given to it at all.

Oh, and I doubt you bothered to even read it.
__________________
"All I said was... that bit of halibut is good enough for Jehovah." óMonty Python's "Life of Brian"
Lurikeen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2005, 01:03 PM   #4
kanibaal
korpse
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Posts: 796
Funny how the writter looks like Lewie Anderson meets Buddy Holly...Live to be 70?
kanibaal is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2005, 01:06 PM   #5
chukzombi
The Undead Shaman
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: The Bowels of Hell, A.K.A. New Jersey
Posts: 9,564
How about you post something that happens in reality and not the blatherings of a russian moonbat elvis impersonator who doesnt know that a quagmire isnt in iraq and we are nothing like his Mother Russia.
__________________
Chukzombi Astrocreep
Magister (re-united)
chukzombi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2005, 01:21 PM   #6
Lurikeen
Freaky
 
Lurikeen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 17,873
How about you get a little will power and not read my posts, Chik? I'll post anything I damn well please.

Besides, it is a well written article. I certainly haven't read anything written by you that could even compare. Maybe you are a tad bit jealous that the writer has a brain and you don't?
__________________
"All I said was... that bit of halibut is good enough for Jehovah." óMonty Python's "Life of Brian"
Lurikeen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2005, 01:26 PM   #7
chukzombi
The Undead Shaman
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: The Bowels of Hell, A.K.A. New Jersey
Posts: 9,564
After taking a look at the writers pic i think the word you meant was "well ridden". hes more horse than man.
__________________
Chukzombi Astrocreep
Magister (re-united)
chukzombi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2005, 01:30 PM   #8
Lurikeen
Freaky
 
Lurikeen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 17,873
Originally Posted by chukzombi
After taking a look at the writers pic i think the word you meant was "well ridden". hes more horse than man.
Well, since you like to look at men and seem to understand what a well ridden man looks like from personal experience, I will just have to take your word for it.
__________________
"All I said was... that bit of halibut is good enough for Jehovah." óMonty Python's "Life of Brian"
Lurikeen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2005, 01:35 PM   #9
chukzombi
The Undead Shaman
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: The Bowels of Hell, A.K.A. New Jersey
Posts: 9,564
Is this the part where you post a 3 year old 'own3d!' captioned pic?
At least that would have more substance than that shitbile from that russkie you hailed.
__________________
Chukzombi Astrocreep
Magister (re-united)
chukzombi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2005, 01:39 PM   #10
Lurikeen
Freaky
 
Lurikeen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 17,873
Originally Posted by chukzombi
Is this the part where you post a 3 year old 'own3d!' captioned pic?
If you insist... I particularly think this one especially applies to you, Chik.

Attachment 116
__________________
"All I said was... that bit of halibut is good enough for Jehovah." óMonty Python's "Life of Brian"
Lurikeen is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2005, 01:40 PM   #11
chukzombi
The Undead Shaman
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: The Bowels of Hell, A.K.A. New Jersey
Posts: 9,564
Ahh now see, at least thats something worth reading. Tip for the future when the Q word is invoked everything that comes next is sure to be garbage. Just ask Uncle Ted the swimmer. ask him how Mary Joe is doing ?
__________________
Chukzombi Astrocreep
Magister (re-united)
chukzombi is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 02-14-2005, 01:42 PM   #12
Lurikeen
Freaky
 
Lurikeen's Avatar
 
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Seattle, WA
Posts: 17,873
Originally Posted by chukzombi
Tip for the futurure
How about you keep that "tip" between you and your boyfriend. KKthnx.
__________________
"All I said was... that bit of halibut is good enough for Jehovah." óMonty Python's "Life of Brian"
Lurikeen is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Thread Tools
Display Modes

Posting Rules
You may not post new threads
You may not post replies
You may not post attachments
You may not edit your posts

BB code is On
Smilies are On
[IMG] code is On
HTML code is Off

Forum Jump


All times are GMT -8. The time now is 02:09 PM.


Powered by: vBulletin. Copyright ©2000 - 2018, Jelsoft Enterprises Ltd.