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Old 12-23-2003, 07:48 AM   #1
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Default Holiday Hugs

Hugs to master for the holiday season
By Rachel Sauer, Cox News Service
December 23, 2003

One of the more difficult social niceties to negotiate during the holiday season is the hug. From rarely-seen family to fellow party goers, 'tis the season of the warm and not so warm encounter. Here are a few tips to cover any holiday embrace.

I Like You, But I Don't, You Know, Like You


aka: The A-Frame

Spotted at: Office holiday parties, high school reunions, jovial lunches with people trying to sell each other something, the healthy break-up of a short-term relationship.

Directions: Bend at the waist, maintaining a foot between you and the other person, whom you hug loosely around the shoulders and either squeeze slightly or pat three times; preceded by cries of 'Heeeeey!' and 'How are you?'

Duration: Two seconds long enough to convey sincerity but not so long that it's, you know, weird.

Eeew! Cooties!

aka: The Bounce

Spotted at: Unplanned encounters with an ex and his/her new spouse, the end of a slow dance in the middle school gym, Olympics medal ceremonies, Elks Lodge meetings where the bonds of brotherhood seem to call for more than a handshake.

Directions: Clasp the other person fully but so quickly that you practically bounce off him/her. Avoid eye contact afterward.

Duration: 0.2 seconds

I Am So Not Drunk, I Totally Do Love You

aka: The Kegger

Spotted at: Fraternity/sorority parties, wedding receptions, last call, the side of a squad car before the handcuffs go on.

Directions: Stagger into your 'beloved' and hold on for dear life; possibly cry.

Duration: Long enough to stop seeing double and make extravagant, stage-whispered promises to a) love the other person forever 'n' ever, b) do something really kinky or c) clean up the barf.


aka: The Heterosexual

Spotted at: The Final Four, Home Depot, poker night, the beginning of a bachelor party.

Directions: Only guys should attempt this hug. Start with a handshake and, still clasping hands, take one step closer and wrap the left arm around the other guy's shoulders. Firmly pound several times with a closed fist.

Duration: Long enough to dislodge a few ribs and convey a deep, deep love for women.

Darling, Have You Lost Weight?

aka: The Socialite

Spotted at: Any event that could be called a soiree or gala, plastic surgeons' waiting rooms, stores with no price tags.

Directions: Gently clasp the other person's upper arms, lean in and brush cheeks in a wispy simulation of the European double-cheek kiss; except for the arms, never actually touch the other person.

Duration: Long enough to check labels, count wrinkles or stick in the knife.

Oh, How I Hate Her

aka: The Miss America

Spotted at: Drag-queen pageants, sorority functions, Junior League holiday bazaars.

Directions: Standing 2 feet from target, lean forward with butt sticking out, loosely wrap both arms around her shoulders and press one cheek to hers. Assume camera-ready, dazzling expression. Assume she's doing same.

Duration: However long it takes to consider the feasibility of ripping out her hair.

Your Openness and Honesty Moved Me

aka: The Iron John

Spotted at: Vegetarian potlucks, Rainbow Family gatherings, group therapy, stores that sell comfortable European walking shoes.

Directions: Clasp the other person so tightly that your clothes fuse together from ankle to neck, close your eyes, breathe deeply, rock gently side to side.

Duration: Too damn long...

I Haven't Seen You Since You Were This Tall!

aka: The Aunt Betty

Spotted at: Family reunions, funerals, graduations, the sort of holiday meals that end in manic laughter or bitter tears.

Directions: Shout, 'Come over here right now and give me a hug!' to a cringing young relative, pinion his/her arms to his/her sides and squeeze tight. Cheek-pinching strongly encouraged.

Duration: Eternity.

Surviving unwanted hugs

You weren't expecting a hug, but you got one anyway.

Awkwardness factor: 6 (That anguished millisecond pause when you scramble to return the hug speaks volumes.)

How to recover: DO NOT utter a startled 'Oh!' or 'Okaaay . . . ' As soon is the hug is over, grasp one of the person's shoulders, look in his/her eyes and say something really sincere, such as 'I am so glad to see you' or 'You totally don't need plastic surgery.'

An abhorrent person approaches you with outstretched arms. A hug seems inevitable.

Awkwardness factor: 4 (If you run away, you might just as well holler a) I hate you, b) Unclean! or c) I have a cold, cold heart.)

How to recover: Go on the offensive. As the person nears, lock your elbows, brace your left hand against his/her right shoulder under the guise of a friendly squeeze. Grab his/her right hand in a hearty shake while exclaiming, 'Long time, no see, buddy! How the hell are you?'

The hug you thought would be brief is getting longer and longer and longer ...

Awkwardness factor: 8 (Conversational gambits you attempt while locked in The Hug That Wouldn't End are doomed to tank.)

How to recover: Pat the person on the back several times and jovially draw from your hug-ending repertoire with 'OK, then' or 'Thank you.' If that fails, start coughing violently.

You both went the same direction, hug-wise, and ended up bumping arms and lurching into each other. Your cheeks are perhaps touching.

Awkwardness factor: 10 (You're misaligned and you're both acutely, painfully aware of GIVING A HUG.)

How to recover: End the hug quickly, but grasp the other's shoulders as you pull apart and say something funny to diffuse the embarrassment. Nothing will completely eradicate the likely mortification, but try these: 'Long-time handshaker, first-time hugger. Ha ha.' Or 'These darn arms do nothing but get in the way. Ha ha.' Or 'Have we met? Ha ha.'
Fridai: Troubador, Armorer (Guk Server)
Kallysti Morituri: Swashbuckler, Jeweler, betrayer (Guk Server)

Sometimes there is no answer.
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Old 12-24-2003, 07:08 AM   #2
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Mind shorting that some?
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Old 12-24-2003, 08:26 AM   #3
Join Date: Nov 2002
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if it's too long, don't read it.

I thought it was amusing =)
Iwka Tamuril - 64 Epic Mage - Erollisi Marr Retired
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Old 12-27-2003, 05:28 PM   #4
Qeylan Riverwind
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Default heh...

need something with pictures in it, Vidden?
Qeylan Riverwind
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Old 12-28-2003, 09:19 AM   #5
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or maybe turn it in to video perhaps?
Kodeen Bitterpill<Retired>
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Edyukated Serjyn
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"If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?"
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