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Old 02-24-2003, 03:04 AM   #1
Kerryn
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Default Pants. Fucking Pants.

In the time honoured tradition of Christmas's all over the world I am one of those people each year who receives at least one present from the hard of thinking. You know what I'm talking about. Those people who seem to pick up Christmas presents at a garage whislt filling a tank on Christmas Eve.

This year was no exception, one of the more meaningless presents being a fancy air freshener for a car. It should be pointed out that at this time all the family were made fully aware that I did not have a car due to an accident with a bint on a mobile phone.

However, I was semi-grateful for the twin pack of Pierre Cardin boxer shorts I received from my aunty. It's not the most thoughtful present you can get and certainly of no comparison to the bottle of shower gel from Boots that I'd bought her, but you can never have too many undies.

Still I think gruds are gruds and they don't need Pierre Cardin slapped across the front. My girlfriend is the only person that is going to see them these days anyway. Well, with the exception of the odd paramedic if anything goes wrong.

My mum always told me that I should always wear clean underwear in case of an accident and until I was involved in my first car crash as a passenger I thought this was pretty sound advice. It's then you realise it doesn't matter how clean your underwear is before you crash.

Lets face it, getting hit by a bus might seem like good motive for a child to have clean pants on but surely parents would be better describing a mild yeast infection if they want their little ones to put on a fresh pair of skids every day.

Still, nearly three months pass and I've managed to get by without opening these shorts.

Today I'm in a rush. Having spent the weekend running errands and buying a new car, ( yes I finally got one ) I've not done any washing, I haven't ironed a shirt and general tiredness has put me behind schedule. It's in this hurry that I rip open the box and don a pristine pair of undies.

I down the cup of coffee waiting for me in the kitchen and run out of the house to catch my lift and in this fiasco I call the morning rush I don't realise my error until it's too late.

After the 54 mile morning commute I begin to climb the stairs to my office. But I feel,.....well, I feel wrong. Something isn't quite right. I feel exposed. And it's then it dawns on me, and it hits me like a freight train in a tunnel. I can't get away from it and I know it's going to be horrible.

My knob is hanging out of my new shorts!!

A quick move with a clients file covers my embarrassment and I make for the quiet sanctuary of the archive before anyone sees me. Hiding furtively behind a shelving unit I quickly check that I'm alone and look to see what the problem is.

With a sigh of relief I discover the flies on my pants are holding up better then the new underwear and Im not exposed. But something is still not right. I'm not going to find out the answer here though and I dash up the stairs to the toilet on the 3rd floor and bolt into a cubicle.

My breathing is heavy from the run up the stairs and I'm extremely aware of this, knowing that if I get caught out of breath with my pants round my ankles I'm going to have some explaining to do but this is driving me mad. The tip of one the more sensetive parts of my body is poking about an inch out of the shorts and it's grating against my zipper. I'm wondering just what I did wrong to Pierre Cardin for them to subject me to this sensation much like rubbing your knob on a cheese grater.

The pants come down and I slowly inspect the workings of the front of these monstrosites of the lingerie world. The answer comes fairly quickly, the button is too close to the edge of the material, it's never going to keep the opposing pieces overlapping. They don't stand a chance of holding anything in.

I contemplate my options. A sewing kit? No, that won't work. For one I can't just go around pointing at my crotch whilst asking 'Have you got anything for this?' and who am I kidding anyway. I can't sew, I'm a bloke.

Safety pins? Like hell no. The only thing with a pointed end going in trousers belongs to me and the pain of the 'cheese grater' pales to nothing compared with the thought of having a saftely pin impale my penis, whilst standing by the water cooler.

Gaff tape? Now this has some possibilities but eventually I think of a reason why I shouldn't use tape. Actually I think of about 2000 reasons why I shouldn't use tape and the vision of pulling the tape away and half of my pubic hair with it quickly puts this plan to an abrupt end.

But then, like a light bulb coming flickering into life my plan begins to formulate itself. I'll put the gaff tape over my zipper. I know this is going to be uncomfortable but at least it wont be as painful as the sandpaper treatment.

It's like a scene from Metal Gear Solid as I sneak down the stairs, taking the back route so as not to be spotted by a secretary but I get to my office, slam the door shut and go rifling throught the drawers. Bak upstairs I go with my tape and once again with pants round my ankles I begin to tape up the zip.

I walk into my office again and for the first time today I notice I'm not walking like John Wayne. It's annoying, it tickles, but it's not painful.

But to summarise, Pierre Cardin are not some cheap knock off pants. They should be better then this. They should protect me, keep me warm, lend me support and not ride up into the crack of my arse like floss.

It occurs to me that they were probably designed and machined by a woman and it appears to me that women should never again be allowed to design mens clothing. Much like the idealology that if god had been a man he would have put testicles on the inside.

I'm not impressed to be honest but there is a positive out of all this. By the end of the day one hundred or more women will have thought about my nether regions. Whilst not too important it is, at least, an impressive statistic.
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Old 02-24-2003, 03:28 AM   #2
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My knob is hanging out of my new shorts!!
I was gasping for air on that one.

Damn boxers.


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Old 02-24-2003, 04:10 AM   #3
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Kerryn we probably got off on the wrong foot with the Tolkien thread a few months ago but damn bro, I can't help but say I am ROFL!

Boxers=the devil regardless...maybe comfortable for sleeping but for everyday wear? Support iz gud.
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Old 02-24-2003, 04:17 AM   #4
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Ryn, I hate you so much... That was damn funny, but I am stuck with some mental pictures I didnt want to have ..

I HATE YOU RYN!!!
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Old 02-24-2003, 04:20 AM   #5
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......ROFLMAO!!!

Oh my gosh, that was too funny. Thank you for the laugh Kerryn!

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Old 02-24-2003, 04:24 AM   #6
Kerryn
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Not at all Araya. I don't hold past disagreements aganst people. To be honest I'd forgot.

Just remember joining EH for a sky raid some months back when you came across as a nice guy.

P.S. The washing instructions label is beginning to scratch the base of my back.
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Old 02-24-2003, 04:47 AM   #7
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Rip off the tag and wear them backwards. Knob stays in, ass airs out.

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Old 02-24-2003, 05:42 AM   #8
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Default Re: Pants. Fucking Pants.

Originally posted by Kerryn
It occurs to me that they were probably designed and machined by a woman and it appears to me that women should never again be allowed to design mens clothing. Much like the idealology that if god had been a man he would have put testicles on the inside.
Boxer briefs, buddy. They offer the comfort of boxers and the support of briefs.

And they look yummy.

As for the above, I can only suggest you put on that piece of scrap they call a thong, then strap yourself into some heavy duty steel support they call a bra, and then bitch.
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Old 02-24-2003, 05:47 AM   #9
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Yeah. Like I haven't done that before?
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Old 02-24-2003, 05:49 AM   #10
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Well, I didn't want to out you without your permission.

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Old 02-24-2003, 05:58 AM   #11
Kerryn
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Sheffield Pyjama Jump,
Hallam University 97-98.
Pretty much outed myself if we're going to be honest.

Never again though.
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Old 02-24-2003, 06:00 AM   #12
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Originally posted by Kerryn
Sheffield Pyjama Jump,
Hallam University 97-98.
Pretty much outed myself if we're going to be honest.

Never again though.
Where's the pictures?!?!?!
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Old 02-24-2003, 06:11 AM   #13
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Bah i went to Sheffield Hallam Uni too.

Had to leave after a year tho to goto Nottingham Trent Uni. However Sheffield Hallam was by far the superior of all Uni's i saw

I too Kerryn know your nob out of pants trauma..../shudder

Designer boxers are toss.
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Old 02-24-2003, 06:59 AM   #14
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Photos of me wearing a nightie went the same way as most of my history.

I have almost nothing proving I existed before one fateful night in February 98 when Hurricane Lucy hit.

Basically she and I had a disagreement, namely that I thought she was a possesive freak with a personality disorder. Naturally she disagreed and rather then have me collect all the stuff from the house she threw it into the streets whilst I was visiting my relatives back in Manchester.

Ironically it was my house and she lived in a flat 3 miles away.

Still the only thing that exists are one or two baby photos that my mum insists on keeping just so she can show my new girlfriend whenever we visit.

However those are two completely seperate rants and shall be saved for a day when I'm running short on material.

Nevertheless my pants are becoming less of an irritation as the day has gone by.
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Old 02-24-2003, 08:54 AM   #15
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You guys live near sheffield?

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Old 02-24-2003, 09:01 AM   #16
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Derby mate. Originally Manchester.

Hopp's still in Nottingham.
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Old 02-24-2003, 09:28 AM   #17
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Tuck it into your sock. Problem solved mate

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Old 02-24-2003, 10:01 AM   #18
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I hate pants too man.
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Old 02-24-2003, 10:21 AM   #19
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OMG that was just too funny!
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Old 02-24-2003, 10:25 AM   #20
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Old 02-24-2003, 10:40 AM   #21
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Join the crew and wear tightie whities. Their comfy.
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Old 02-24-2003, 11:01 AM   #22
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I think Qool had the best idea. Or just commando.

Do European clothing have extra viscous zippers? You've gotta frequent the free ball club sometime man, fuck designer drawers!

And as for Caowaffliron, absolutely, I loved my boxer briefs, and I need to get some more.

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Old 02-24-2003, 11:08 AM   #23
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Kerryn, Hopp you guys aren't that far from me. I live in retford, Near worskop. About 30 minutes drive from Sheffield.

Surprised me that people on Emarr live around nottinghamshire.

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Old 02-24-2003, 10:24 PM   #24
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Heh my friend once had his "knob" hang out. It had taken him a good 10 minutes to realise it and only because this woman was staring him down.

You know it's strange how society shuns nakedness. We shouldn't feel embarrased or awkward about it. I like being naked I wish everyone would stop being so uptight and let it all hang out!
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Old 02-25-2003, 04:39 AM   #25
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I live in Awsworth near Ilkeston. Still in Nottinghamshire tho.
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