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Old 06-02-2004, 05:00 AM   #1
cnjmorris
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Default Run on sentence?

Okay, so my original thesis statement was: "Decreased balanced nutritional value of meals, increase in calorie intake, and lower physical activity level has lead to an increase in Type-II diabetes, normally labeled 'adult onset,' in children."

In doing the research, however, the few things I have found state that Type-II diabetes is becoming more common but there just isnt a lot of info on it currently. The studies being done and the books being written currently won't help me on this paper due soon, so I am looking to change my thesis to the following.

Decreased balanced nutritional value of meals, increase in calorie intake, and lower physical activity level has lead to an increase in obesity and it is resulting in a higher death toll in adults and increased risk for children from heart disease, stroke, and other related health risks such as Type-II diabetes, previously labeled 'adult onset.’

The question I have is whether this is a run on sentence. I could stop after the word 'obesity' and make the rest of the 'sentence' a seperate sentence supporting the thesis and leading into the paper, but if it isn't too distracting I owuld like it as part of the actual topic to support.

Appreciate any input, and to those who thought they would never have to consider a thesis statement again, I appologize =)
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Old 06-02-2004, 05:35 AM   #2
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Decreased balanced nutritional value of meals, increase in calorie intake, and lower physical activity level has lead to an increase in obesity and it is resulting in a higher death toll in adults and increased risk for children from heart disease, stroke, and other related health risks such as Type-II diabetes, previously labeled 'adult onset.’
Hmm, I'm no grammatical expert, but that's one heck of a sentence length. I can't say for certain whether or not it's a run-on, but here is a possible rewrite of it:

Decreased balanced nutritional value of meals, increase in calorie intake, and lower physical activity level has lead to an increase in obesity and is resulting in a higher death toll in adults. Additionally, the obesity has affected children and increased their risk for heart disease, stroke, and related risks such as Type-II diabetes, previously labeled "adult onset."

A couple of questions. Would, "increase in calorie intake" be better as "increase in caloric intake"? And... Does the clarifier for Type-II diabetes need to be there (the adult onset part)?
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Old 06-02-2004, 07:43 AM   #3
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Decreased balanced nutritional value of meals, increase in calorie intake, and lower physical activity level has lead to an increase in obesity and it is resulting in a higher death toll in adults and increased risk for children from heart disease, stroke, and other related health risks such as Type-II diabetes, previously labeled 'adult onset.
A decrease in balanced nutritional value, increased caloric intake and lower physical activity has led to an increase in obesity increasing a child's succeptability to such ailments as heart disease, stroke, Diabetes Type II, previously labeled "adult onset".

That is about the best I can possibly do keeping it all in one sentence. Personally..I prefer short simple thesis statements to open a paper. I would maybe break that section up into three sentences. The orginal posted..and edited posted however...sound like run on's to me. =o)
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Old 06-02-2004, 07:49 AM   #4
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Decreased balanced nutritional value of meals, increase in calorie intake, and lower physical activity level has lead to an increase in obesity and it is resulting in a higher death toll in adults and increased risk for children from heart disease, stroke, and other related health risks such as Type-II diabetes, previously labeled 'adult onset.’
Yes, it is a run on sentence. Add a comma between the word "obesity" and "and" to correct the problem or break your sentence into two sentences.

A couple other notes about this sentence. Take a look at the introductory series.

- Decreased balanced nutritional value of meals
- Increase in calorie intake
- Lower physical activity level

Just looking at the series from a parallelism point of view, I'd change each item in the series to begin with similar adjectives:

- Decreased balance in nutritional value of meals
- Increased calorie intake
- Lowered physical activity levels

The next interesting word is "it." Since "it" is an abstract noun, the rules state that "it" refers to the last noun mentioned. In this case, obesity. I'm not sure if "it" is refering to obesity or the trends mentioned in the original word series. Most likely the trend. So consider spelling out what "it" is if "it" isn't refering to obesity.

I'd be prone to moving the phrase, "such as Type-II diabetes" to the end of the sentence so the phrase "previously labeled 'adult onset.'" isn't accidentally modifying "diabetes" instead of "risks."

Use double quotes instead of single quotes around "adult onset."

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Old 06-02-2004, 07:58 AM   #5
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I think after reading this last post..I am in agreeance. =o)
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Old 06-02-2004, 09:00 AM   #6
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Decreased balance in nutritional value of meals, increased caloric intake, and lowered physical activity levels has lead to a rise in the occurrence of obesity. The frequency and severity of obesity is resulting in a higher death toll in adults and elevated risk for children from heart disease, stroke, and other related health risks such as Type-II diabetes, which has been previously labeled "adult onset."

I agree with the use of decreased, increased, and lowered. I also believe that the only good choice, prefered or not, is to split it into two sentences.

I replaced "increase in obesity" because of the use of 'increased' earlier in the sentence.

I replaced "increased risk for children" for the same reason.

I added "which has" (singular) to clarify it does not refer to risks (plural).

An earlier post was correct in the use of "caloric" vs "calorie."

--- So, did I fix more problems than I created with the changes?
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Old 06-02-2004, 10:45 AM   #7
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Im no english major, but this is how I would write it.

A decrease in balanced nutritional value, an increase in calorie intake, and a lower physical activity level has lead to an increase in obesity which is resulting in a higher death toll among adults and an increased health risk for children. These health risks can include heart disease, stroke, and other related illnesses such as Type-II diabetes, previously known as ‘adult onset.’
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Old 06-02-2004, 10:50 AM   #8
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You have gotten better a writing a thesis! (2)
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Old 06-02-2004, 10:56 AM   #9
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I'm no professor but I would word it like this:

The decrease in nutritionally balanced meals as well as increased calorie intake and lowered physical activity levels has led to a rise in obesity among children and adults. The frequency and severity of obesity has resulted in higher death tolls for adults due to Heart Disease, Stroke and has also elevated the risk of Type-II Diabetes in children, previously known as "Adult Onset".
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Old 06-02-2004, 10:58 AM   #10
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Nice, Darue.

I would like to mention I did not see his post when re-writing those sentences. ;p
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Old 06-02-2004, 11:39 AM   #11
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The decrease in nutritionally balanced meals as well as increased calorie intake and lowered physical activity levels has led to a rise in obesity among children and adults. The frequency and severity of obesity has resulted in higher death tolls for adults due to Heart Disease, Stroke and has also elevated the risk of Type-II Diabetes in children, previously known as "Adult Onset".
Woot! Very nice!

.oO(No fair! Someone with a higher skill came into zone and made the combine. =oP)

Cnjmorris.....I think that is what you want to use.
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Old 06-02-2004, 11:58 AM   #12
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Darue's sentence is good except you'd need to add a comma before the "which," and once again consider whether it's the obesity resulting in the death toll or the trend.

cnjmorris's second rewrite is good except now the clause, "which has been previously labeled 'adult onset.'" is still modifying "Type II Diabetes" instead of "other related health risks." But maybe that's correct??

Mendeus's is good except it stresses "The decrease in nutritionally balanced meals" as equal to the now combined "increased calorie intake and lowered physical activity levels." Also, the phrase "previously known as 'Adult Onset'." is now modifying "children," which is kind of funny because adulthood literally does onset from children.
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Old 06-02-2004, 12:26 PM   #13
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Just noticed something that I am surprised no one commented on, so it has me second guessing. Shouldn't "has lead" be "have lead" when refering to the three previously mentioned symptoms?

I like your idea to split the 'sentence' in a different place Darue.

I don't mean to be unapreciative, and rock the boat when it seems I have settled on a final statement... but what do you think of the following?

Decreased balance in the nutritional value of meals, increased caloric intake, and lowered physical activity levels have lead to a rise in the occurrence of obesity and linked health risks in both adults and children, and have displaced tobacco from its position as the number one cause of preventable death. Serious related health risks can include heart disease, stroke, and other illnesses such as Type-II diabetes, previously known as "adult onset'"


On a side note I found the following quote with supporting research research and found it interesting, and have made it a main focus of my paper.

“70% of obese children become obese adults. [. . .] If you are very overweight you could develop Type 2 diabetes before age ten. Kids like to feel grown up, so here is a chance - this disease used to be called Adult Onset Diabetes. You could have a heart attack, be blind, or need coronary bypass before the age of twenty-five.”
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Old 06-02-2004, 12:38 PM   #14
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Shouldn't "has lead" be "have lead" when refering to the three previously mentioned symptoms?
is it still leading to ... ?

seems to me it should be 'has lead' then.

also ,

Decreased balance in the nutritional value of meals, increased caloric intake, and lowered physical activity levels have lead to a rise in the occurrence of obesity and linked health risks in both adults and children, and have displaced tobacco from its position as the number one cause of preventable death. Serious related health risks can include heart disease, stroke, and other illnesses such as Type-II diabetes, previously known as "adult onset'"
seems would sound better like ..

Decreased balance in the nutritional value of meals, increased caloric intake, and lowered physical activity levels has lead to a rise in the occurrence of obesity and linked health risks in both adults and children. This occurence has displaced tobacco from its position as the number one cause of preventable death. Serious related health risks can include heart disease, stroke, and other illnesses such as Type-II diabetes, previously known as "adult onset'"

/shrug
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Old 06-02-2004, 01:00 PM   #15
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I believe that "has lead" is singular and "have lead" is plural. Since I am refering to the three symptoms and not the singular obesity I assume the focus would be on them when deciding singular or plural.

I don't know if your suggestion sounds better. It is probably a bit more clear but I am trying to avoid too many sentences. I just need to find a happy balance between those lame high school english short sentences and an over complicated sentence that meets the grammar rules but loses people anyway.

As far as correct and not overly complicated does the following sound okay (I am close to a final decision on this... honest)? Changes in bold (to clarify WHAT has been known).

Decreased balance in the nutritional value of meals, increased caloric intake, and lowered physical activity levels have lead to a rise in the occurrence of obesity and linked health risks in both adults and children, and have displaced tobacco from its position as the number one cause of preventable death. Serious related health risks can include heart disease, stroke, and other illnesses such as Type-II diabetes, which has previously been known as "adult onset'"
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Old 06-02-2004, 01:02 PM   #16
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Shouldn't "has lead" be "have lead" when refering to the three previously mentioned symptoms?
yes

I don't mean to be unapreciative, and rock the boat when it seems I have settled on a final statement... but what do you think of the following?

Decreased balance in the nutritional value of meals, increased caloric intake, and lowered physical activity levels have lead to a rise in the occurrence of obesity and linked health risks in both adults and children, and have displaced tobacco from its position as the number one cause of preventable death. Serious related health risks can include heart disease, stroke, and other illnesses such as Type-II diabetes, previously known as "adult onset'"
Remove the comma here: "children, and"

Looks like you've summed up nicely your Who, What, When, Why, and How . . . only thing missing is Where.

Go get em! Good luck on your thesis.
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Old 06-02-2004, 01:11 PM   #17
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I am trying to avoid too many sentences. I just need to find a happy balance between those lame high school english short sentences and an over complicated sentence that meets the grammar rules but loses people anyway.

remember, its not the length of words, the sentence(s), or the topic itself. The idea here is to draw the person who is reading it, into the story. Make them want to read more by what is said in the first line while summarizing what the thesis itself is about. When reading it, ask yourself if it divulges too much info where you dont really need to read on(or sounds more like a novel than a paper), too little info where it doesnt grab your attention and pull you in...or if the balance is enough to where the reader can be genuinely curious and continue reading rather than look it over.

Its all about captivating the audience.
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Old 06-02-2004, 11:48 PM   #18
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A decrease in balanced nutritional value, an increase in calorie intake, and a lower physical activity level has lead to an increase in obesity which is resulting in a higher death toll among adults and an increased health risk for children. These health risks can include heart disease, strok, and other related illnesses such as Type-II diabetes, previously known as ‘adult onset.’



Try this:
A decrease in balanced nutritional value, an increase in calorie intake, and a lower physical activity level has led to an increase in obesity. Resulting in a higher death toll among adults and increased health risk among children. These health risks can include heart disease, stroke, and other related illnesses such as Type-II diabetes, previously known as "adult onset".

Underlined words from the quote were deleted and punctuation added.
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Old 06-03-2004, 07:13 AM   #19
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Originally Posted by Misty
[/b]


Try this:
A decrease in balanced nutritional value, an increase in calorie intake, and a lower physical activity level has led to an increase in obesity. Resulting in a higher death toll among adults and increased health risk among children. These health risks can include heart disease, stroke, and other related illnesses such as Type-II diabetes, previously known as "adult onset".

Underlined words from the quote were deleted and punctuation added.
Resulting in a higher death toll among adults and increased health risk among children.
I don't like this sentence...I think you have all the right words..but the wrong structure, Misty. I'm not sure that sentence is proper. Perhaps deleting the "." adding a "," and decaptilizing the "R"? I don't know.

A decrease in balanced nutritional value, an increase in calorie intake, and a lower physical activity level has led to an increase in obesity, resulting in a higher death toll among adults and increased health risk among children. These health risks can include heart disease, stroke, Type-II diabetes and other related illnesses, previously known as "adult onset".


What exactly is "previously known as "adult onset" supposed to be modifying? "Type II diabetes"? or the entire list? I know nothing of the subject matter.......
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Old 06-03-2004, 09:40 AM   #20
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Decreased balance in the nutritional value of meals, increased caloric intake, and lowered physical activity levels have lead to a rise in the occurrence of obesity and linked health risks in both adults and children, and have displaced tobacco from its position as the number one cause of preventable death. Serious related health risks can include heart disease, stroke, and other illnesses such as Type-II diabetes, which has previously been known as "adult onset."
nutrition, calories, and activity (all three) have lead to obesity and health risks.
all three have displaced tobacco
type-2 diabetes used to be adult onset

Type 2 is associated with inability to properly handle insulin and/or break down sugar. It is almost always associated with obesity, particularly people who are large around the waist area. As people get older their metabolism slows down, as does their activity level. If their calorie intake cuts back to offset this then all is good (assuming they still have a moderate activity level) but this is becoming less common and people are becoming obese. Type-II diabetes occurs in a percentage of people who are obese. This is why it has been called adult onset. If the person lost weight the insulin produced by the body is often enough (with a careful diet) to be fine... but with the increased weight (you have to be at least 20% overweight to be obese) there just isn't enough to go around and the body suffers.

Type 1 is viewed as genetic. It occurs in children and has been known as 'juvenile diabetes.' It is not a result of diet or weight. Most often the body produces very little or no insulin. These people are 'insulin dependant' meaning that even with healthy diet and exercise they will still require insulin for the rest of their life. While surgery is an option (I don't know the specifics, some kind of pancreas transplant or something) from what I read the dangers are more serious than someone just taking daily insulin and being sure they are taken care of.

The reason behing the 'previously known as' in my thesis is the fact that it isn't age that is the link to type-2 diabetes. Children are now developing it because of the three factors my thesis begins with. Wrong foods, too many of them, and not enough exercise. So it could be more accurately labeled 'Fat onset." This isn't to say that anyone who has type 2 is fat.. but the label excludes a lot less skinny people than the label 'adult onset' excludes youth.

Probably more info than you wanted.. but that is the reasoning. Just a side note... I'm not a doctor so all of the things I have stated are from my reading, and talking with doctors and a pharmacologist... and personal experience being type-2 diabetic and having a friend who is type-1.
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Old 06-03-2004, 10:01 AM   #21
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How about:

A decrease in balanced nutritional value, an increase in calorie intake, and a lower physical activity level has led to an increase in obesity, resulting in a higher death toll among adults and increased health risk among children. These health risks can include heart disease, stroke, Type-II diabetes (previously known as "Adult Onset"), and other related illnesses.
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