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Old 04-15-2004, 09:49 AM   #1
chukzombi
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Default The Retrosexual Code

Subject: The Retrosexuals Code

>"OK, I have had it. I've taken all I can stand and I
>can't stand no more.
>Every time my TV is on, all that can be seen is
>effeminate men prancing
>about, redecorating houses and talking about foreign
>concepts like "style"
>and "feng shui." Heterosexual, homosexual, bisexual,
>transsexual,
>metrosexual, non-sexual; blue, green, and
>purple-sexual - bogus definitions
>have taken over the urban and suburban world!
>
>Real men of the world, stand up, scratch your
>butt, belch, and yell "ENOUGH!" I hereby announce the
>start of a new offensive in the culture
>Wars, the Retrosexual movement. "
>
>
>
>
>The Code :
>
>A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists,
>PAYS FOR THE DATE.
>
>A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the
>ones that fit that term only because they are female.
>
>A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire,
>break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you
>DEAL WITH IT.
>
>A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills
>it himself.
>
>A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90.
>It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90
>years old and still smoking cigars and
>drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex,
>you are a God.
>
>A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products
>than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of
>stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap
>(possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)
>
>A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic
>when he's 30 years old.
>
>A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff
>(or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing
>with IT" portion of The Code.
>
>A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the
>title.
>
>A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in
>his house on national
>TV.
>
>A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of
>manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major
>reinvention of yourself will only lead to you
>becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run,
>she ain't worth it.
>
>A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for
>major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction,
>death of your entire family in a freak
>treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved
>to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc.
>You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because
>Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy
>DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with
>you.
>
>A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his
>wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.
>
>A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when
>wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot.
>
>A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he
>can brag about getting.
>
>
>A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools.
>If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole,
>practice in secret until you can -- or be
>rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.
>
>A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign
>that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and
>are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's
>just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of
>those people or things that just need a little "wakin'
>up".
>
>Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual
>may cry, and none of them have to do with TV
>commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams
>are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred
>method of release is swearing or throwing the remote
>control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry
>include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one,
>death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this
>case), loss of a major body part, or loss of
>major body part on your Ford truck.
>
>When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a
>commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman
>gets on, that retrosexual stands up and
>offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at
>the other so-called men still in their seats with a
>disgusted "you punks" look on his face.
>
>A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly,
>and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He
>also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner
>
>A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife
>and mother do not understand, but that are essential
>to his manliness, in that they offset the
>acceptable manliness decline he suffers when
>married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship -
>i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting,
>cigars, car maintenance.
>
>A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and
>kitchen utensils.
>
>A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard)
>without sliding all over or driving under 20mph,
>without anxiety, and without high-centering his
>ride in a snow bank.
>
>A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it
>land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he
>damn well wanted it to land. Except on his
>truck--that would happen because of a "force of
>nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to
>Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both.
>
>A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not
>only any women but any elderly person or person in
>military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE: The
>person in military dress may turn down the offer but
>the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them
>and thank them for serving their country.
>
>
>A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a
>handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his
>word even if circumstances change or the other
>person deceived him.
>
>A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue
>someone when he does something stupid and hurts
>himself. We understand that sometimes in the
>process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL
>WITH IT !
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Old 04-15-2004, 10:14 AM   #2
Felessan
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Outfuckingstanding...

<---Retrosexual
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Old 04-15-2004, 10:52 AM   #3
Trith
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/raises hand

Retrosexual here too.
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Old 04-15-2004, 11:28 AM   #4
korast
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My car broke down and i was able to fix it myself. Do i get a cookie??? Pls ??
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Old 04-15-2004, 11:47 AM   #5
Azraelwrath
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That sounded good.
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Old 04-16-2004, 08:47 AM   #6
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ditto Felessan
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Old 04-16-2004, 01:09 PM   #7
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>The Code :
>
>A Retrosexual man, no matter what the women insists,
>PAYS FOR THE DATE.

fuck that! they can pay any time they want..
>
>A Retrosexual man opens doors for a lady. Even for the
>ones that fit that term only because they are female.

Only when they deserve it.. if I don't know them or don't like them.. they can open their own damn door
>
>A Retrosexual DEALS with IT, be it a flat tire,
>break-in into your home, or a natural disaster, you
>DEAL WITH IT.

Finally.. something I agree with
>
>A Retrosexual not only eats red meat, he often kills
>it himself.

Second thing in a row.. on a roll here
>
>A Retrosexual doesn't worry about living to be 90.
>It's not how long you live, but how well. If you're 90
>years old and still smoking cigars and
>drinking, I salute you. If you are still having sex,
>you are a God.

I want to live FOREVER!!
>
>A Retrosexual does not use more hair or skin products
>than a woman. Women have several supermarket aisles of
>stuff. Retrosexuals need an endcap
>(possibly 2 endcaps if you include shaving goods.)

Tell that to the people that have had acne all their life.. since they were 16.. and even after a lengthy term of Acutaine...
>
>A Retrosexual does not dress in clothes from Hot Topic
>when he's 30 years old.

My Guttermouth Shirt will have to be torn off my dead body if I am ever unfortunate enough to die
>
>A Retrosexual should know how to properly kill stuff
>(or people) if need be. This falls under the "Dealing
>with IT" portion of The Code.

ok.. another thing I can finally agree with
>
>A Retrosexual watches no TV show with "Queer" in the
>title.

Also something I can agree with.. unless it's a show called "Queer bashing for the Straight Guy" and includes beating gays with random painful objects
>
>A Retrosexual does not let neighbors screw up rooms in
>his house on national
>TV.

/Agree
>
>A Retrosexual should not give up excessive amounts of
>manliness for women. Some is inevitable, but major
>reinvention of yourself will only lead to you
>becoming a froo-froo little puss, and in the long run,
>she ain't worth it.

Two in a row I agree with..
>
>A Retrosexual is allowed to seek professional help for
>major mental stress such as drug/alcohol addiction,
>death of your entire family in a freak
>treechipper accident, favorite sports team being moved
>to a different city, favorite bird dog expiring, etc.
>You are NOT allowed to see a shrink because
>Daddy didn't pay you enough attention. Daddy was busy
>DEALING WITH IT. When you screwed up, he DEALT with
>you.

Fuck that.. deal with all that too.. shrinks are all snake oil salesmen
>
>A Retrosexual will have at least one outfit in his
>wardrobe designed to conceal himself from prey.

"Outfits" bah! I have random clothes that go toghether randomly
>
>A Retrosexual knows how to tie a Windsor knot when
>wearing a tie -- and ONLY a Windsor knot.

I use a 1/2 windsor.. much quicker
>
>A Retrosexual should have at least one good wound he
>can brag about getting.

I never get injured..
>
>
>A Retrosexual knows how to use a basic set of tools.
>If you can't hammer a nail, or drill a straight hole,
>practice in secret until you can -- or be
>rightfully ridiculed for the wuss you be.

/agree again
>
>A Retrosexual knows that owning a gun is not a sign
>that your are riddled with fear, guns are TOOLS and
>are often essential to DEAL WITH IT. Plus it's
>just plain fun to fire one off in the direction of
>those people or things that just need a little "wakin'
>up".

Two in a row again..
>
>Crying. There are very few reason that a Retrosexual
>may cry, and none of them have to do with TV
>commercials, movies, or soap operas. Sports teams
>are sometimes a reason to cry, but the preferred
>method of release is swearing or throwing the remote
>control. Some reasons a Retrosexual can cry
>include (but are not limited to) death of a loved one,
>death of a pet (fish do NOT count as pets in this
>case), loss of a major body part, or loss of
>major body part on your Ford truck.

wow.. 3 in a row.. amazing
>
>When a Retrosexual is on a crowded bus and or a
>commuter train, and a pregnant woman, heck, any woman
>gets on, that retrosexual stands up and
>offers his seat to that woman, then looks around at
>the other so-called men still in their seats with a
>disgusted "you punks" look on his face.

Bah.. they can stand
>
>A Retrosexual knows how to say the Pledge properly,
>and with the correct emphasis and pronunciation. He
>also knows the words to the Star Spangled Banner

amazingly I still remember them...
>
>A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife
>and mother do not understand, but that are essential
>to his manliness, in that they offset the
>acceptable manliness decline he suffers when
>married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship -
>i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting,
>cigars, car maintenance.

you forgot Video Games, War Games, Modelling, and a few others but close
>
>A Retrosexual knows how to sharpen his own knives and
>kitchen utensils.

aye
>
>A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard)
>without sliding all over or driving under 20mph,
>without anxiety, and without high-centering his
>ride in a snow bank.

yup
>
>A Retrosexual man can chop down a tree and make it
>land where he wants. Wherever it lands is where he
>damn well wanted it to land. Except on his
>truck--that would happen because of a "force of
>nature", and then the retrosexual man's options are to
>Cry, or to DEAL with IT, or do both.

good one
>
>A Retrosexual will give up his seat on a bus to not
>only any women but any elderly person or person in
>military dress (except 2nd Lt's) NOTE: The
>person in military dress may turn down the offer but
>the Retrosexual man will ALWAYS make the offer to them
>and thank them for serving their country.

They can stand too...
>
>
>A Retrosexual man doesn't need a contract -- a
>handshake is good enough. He will always stand by his
>word even if circumstances change or the other
>person deceived him.

Hell no.. I want it in writing.. not because I don't trust myself.. but because I don't trust the other person
>
>A Retrosexual man doesn't immediately look to sue
>someone when he does something stupid and hurts
>himself. We understand that sometimes in the
>process of doing things we get hurt and we just DEAL
>WITH IT !

/agree
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Old 04-16-2004, 02:45 PM   #8
Kogur
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A Retrosexual will have hobbies and habits his wife
and mother do not understand, but that are essential
to his manliness, in that they offset the
acceptable manliness decline he suffers when
married/engaged or in a serious healthy relationship -
i.e., hunting, boxing, shot putting, shooting,
cigars, car maintenance.

you forgot Video Games, War Games, Modelling, and a few others but close
I hope you mean building models...ie cars, buildings etc.
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Old 04-16-2004, 11:00 PM   #9
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aye.. model cars, airplanes, trains, tanks.. etc
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Old 04-17-2004, 02:03 AM   #10
Ramesses Elliscer
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out-fucking-standing.

i /salute you for that.
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Old 04-17-2004, 10:21 AM   #11
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Old 04-27-2004, 03:53 PM   #12
Asmira
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...so a retrosexual is a redneck that drives a beaten up old ford and salutes the confederate flag? ...ok!

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Old 04-28-2004, 09:35 AM   #13
FanonFaythunder
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A Retrosexual man can drive in snow (hell, a blizzard)
without sliding all over or driving under 20mph,
without anxiety, and without high-centering his
ride in a snow bank.
Amen.
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Old 04-29-2004, 08:06 AM   #14
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WOW!

Hats off to you for this one!
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Old 04-29-2004, 02:20 PM   #15
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Hail,

Originally Posted by Gurglespit
...you forgot Video Games, War Games, Modelling
I'm sorry, but video games ≠manliness.
Poker would be a better sedentary example of a 'masculine' hobby.

Take care,
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Old 04-29-2004, 02:30 PM   #16
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Is masturbating considered a manly hobby?
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Old 04-29-2004, 08:07 PM   #17
Sandain
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Nice post!

I do not understand the one about military personal though - is it custom there to offer them seats? why not 2nd lt's?

I have never really used public transport and we only have an military force of about 5000 people so its rare to see any.
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