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Old 02-27-2003, 04:02 PM   #1
Syldra Megiste`
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Default Syldra's Tale... (revisited, rewritten, continued)

http://pub64.ezboard.com/fsacrummort...opicID=1.topic

(Have to be logged into Ezboard to view)

For almost a year now I've been writing this story... and for almost a year now the emarr community have encouraged, supported, and awaited the continuation of this tale that I began writing meerly out of boredom.

I've edited and rewritten some of the tale, as I felt it was losing the tone that it started with.

I reposted the thread, with no replies so that there's less skimming and its a little easier to navigate for those people who checked frequently for updates.

I feel that the changes have been for the better, and I plan to continue the tale with 'atleast' one new post per week... but no promises.

Let me know what you think, and if you're the editting type... PLEASE let me know if you see any errors (spelling, storyline, etc)

Thanks!
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Old 03-01-2003, 11:32 AM   #2
Zarney
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Let me know what you think
I think it sucks.
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Old 03-03-2003, 04:39 PM   #3
Taevitus
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Zarney. I think i speak for everyone when I say. Shut the fuck up you poster boy for contraception. No one likes you here, no one wants you here, why aren't you banned?

Awesome story Syldra, keep up the good writing.
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Old 03-04-2003, 07:23 AM   #4
Frekkels
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Default editor comments

Hail,

Here's some first-run through editing. Please take no offense. I'm rather vicious with the red ink when critiquing. I really like the story though.

First Paragraph, last sentence: hangs should be "hands" I think.
Also, I think you should give the name of the blonde character in the initial sentence to humanize the story and flesh out that person faster. Starting the story with "she" and continuing the pronoun usage is a bit awkward in my opinion. You have titled it "Syldra's Tale", but I think your story should still start with her name.

Second paragraph:
. She squealed lightly at that moment, and found herself more afraid than before, hoping nothing, or no one had heard her.
I'd change that sentence to something like this:
"She squealed slightly at the flash and loud boom of acommpanying thunder. Syldra was even more afraid now, hoping nothing or no one had heard her brief surprised cry."

The phrase "at that moment" is not necessary, and the rest of the sentence has too many commas and clauses. Three commas in a sentence like that might mean it would read better as two sentences, but not always. As written, it seemed a bit awkward.

Third paragraph, change to: She picked up her book again and finally found the page she was searching for in the large tome. Taking comfort in this small success, she read the spell to herself with fierce determination through a mixture of rain and her own salty tears. Ignoring the chaotic weather and surrounding noises, she studied the spell carefully for a moment before closing the leather bound book.

Fourth paragraph, change to:
Placing it in her sack, she stood up on tired legs with a half smile on her face now. Glancing around, she saw nothing but the trees but the rain and the lightning in the distance. Despite this, she knew there were creatures close by from the noises she heard.
(Or you can change this to "she sensed the creatures close by even through the masking noise of the woodland forest creatures." Or something like that. )

Next paragraph, change to:
Slowly she began running again while pulling her soaked hair back again. She knew she'd be safe if she could only make it out of the woods. Suddenly she felt an unseen creature wrap its arms around her, pulling her quickly to the ground. She didnt scream. She closed her eyes as she fell and realized it was the end. Her journey was over. This was her time to go to the Great Beyond.
(The "out of nowhere" part didn't sound right to me. You used "the end" in two successive sentences as well, which I changed to avoid the repetition.)

Next Ph:
"Dragon" said a voice quietly as she felt the creatures grasp loosen slightly. She opened her eyes and seeing the green scaley arms around her made her tremble again. Confused and scared, Syldra was surprise she felt no pain. The monster just kept her still which she did not understand. Turning her head to the right to look over her shoulder she saw his face. She looked into his bright green eyes. The creature saw her terror and tried to give a comforting smile, but his sharp teeth and strange countenance portrayed his friendly intent badly.

Ending this editing session here, in case the board flips out and this all gets lost. :P If you like my editing touch, I'll try to continue as I have time/desire.

Once again, a great story.
Take care,
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Old 03-04-2003, 02:44 PM   #5
Deadscale
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Like the story Syldra
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Old 03-04-2003, 07:51 PM   #6
Zarney
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Frekkels, I don't think Syldra asked

"Please come here and change all the paragraphs to what you think they should be" It's her fucking story, spelling, grammar... ok

rewriting her story.... i think not
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Old 03-07-2003, 07:58 AM   #7
Xerion
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Great story Syldra!! There's only 1 problem...where's the mean-knocking, body-rocking, cherry-popping Lizard/ High-Elf/ vexed banshee mass orgy !?? At least put some vexed banshees in a scene where they enter a poledancing competition...Vexed Banshees are da SEXYST!! muhahahahah!

Kepp up the good work!
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Old 03-07-2003, 12:50 PM   #8
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I've followed it from the beginning and I love the way she's written it... I don't want anything changed at all....
Got it Frekkels?

K thanks...

Keep going Babe!
I miss ya!
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Old 03-07-2003, 01:24 PM   #9
Frekkels
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Hail Jex,

I got it.
She asked for editing assistance.
let me know if you see any errors (spelling, storyline, etc)
I provide my opinion to make alterations that in my mind improve the readability of the story. Several were merely minor typo corrections.

I LIKE the story too. That doesn't mean I think it is perfect, nor do I think Syldra does either. If you look through the changes, you'll notice I made few if any plot/character attitude changes. I mostly rearranged sentence structure, with to me seemed stilted in a few places. That's my opinion. I don't claim to be an expert writer or editor, but I have helped published authors in smoothing their work before.

I didn't continue to edit until I was sure further critique was welcome. Many authors get so close to their work that they take any constructive criticism too personally. Cut & Paste editing in this format is extremely cumbersome. It is MUCH easier to generally take a pen and make changes on paper, or with different font color if using a word processor. I generally then sit face-face w/ the author and we discuss my alterations and usually make more changes over the course of several drafts. Almost invariably, the finished work is a much better product.
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Old 03-10-2003, 12:28 PM   #10
Jexima
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Nods....

Okay...But in the end it's up to her whether she decides to change it or not..she may or may not take your suggestion...and I really couldn't care less...it won't add or subtract from the story to me in any way....

Au Revoir..

Jexima Bladefiyer
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Old 03-14-2003, 02:10 AM   #11
Dragoonslair
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Great Story! =)


Can't wait to read more. Have slowly read this over the last week or 2 while at work. Reading a post or two at a time to try and stretch it out. Now I have just finished and am dying to read more.

Keep up the great work.

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Old 04-07-2003, 09:46 PM   #12
Kallysti
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More more more! (and maybe add something about a sexy blue priestess... not that I'm naming any names )
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Old 04-07-2003, 09:58 PM   #13
brontes
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Originally posted by Zarney
Frekkels, I don't think Syldra asked

"Please come here and change all the paragraphs to what you think they should be" It's her fucking story, spelling, grammar... ok

rewriting her story.... i think not
/agree
Frekkels...you got alot of time on J00 hands?
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Old 04-10-2003, 08:34 AM   #14
Deref
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Great story! It was actually really cool since I raided with some of those characters last night.

As I read it, I did note some grammatic and spelling errors, but moving the text into a word processor should handle that if the corrections are deemed necessary. If the story is aimed at publication beyond the EMarr community, you may want to consider Frekkels' edit suggestions.

It's a shame that Zarney and Brontes have to arrive like a horde of locusts to this fertile field. /sigh
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